The say Photo dump, I say piece dump.

Yeah you know the title just kinda says it all. I guess?

So i am clearing out my wallet where i normally keep pieces of write ups that i scribble down when my heart is full and needs release through my pen. Then i know its time to throw away these pieces because i’ve been keeping them for years… 4? maybe 5 years?.

Then i remember my word press account. I could just dump them here for when i need to revisit. Just to maybe shake my head at those times. Sooo…..here you go…

Not dated but from my guess maybe 2016 ?

Tonight I wake up for the first time not expecting to see a missed call from you .

I mentally pat myself on the back because…… I’ve come a long way.

I’m not all there yet. No.

Still some work left to do.

Still some healing left to do.

But i’ve come a long way from where i was

For instance, some parts of me still cannot believe its real, still cannot understand why you left , still cannot believe you did that which you vowed you wouldn’t.

You know in the beginning, I warned you not to play with my heart.

We laughed about it, but here we are today.. You did it without blinking, without remorse.

There were days, still are days when i want to hate you, say hurtful things to you. Just to make me feel this hurt a little less but i dont let myself dwell on those thoughts too much or too long.

Because I cannot let you steal the good in me, No! I cannot let you steal the God in me.

So i wish you well intead. I wish you a love greater than the one which i felt for you. I wish you good health, Long life, a good life, a good wife, beautiful kids, plenty of money, Yea, that too and I wish you all that and a lot more.

The places that we went together , the things that we did together,,, there are times i don’t want to see or go to those places ever but i push myself because I cannot let you steal those things away from me

I will still go to our favorite places because those places were my favorite places too. I will still kiss in the elevator…maybe tomorrow? I will still give big long hugs . I will still love, like I did you.

I will not let you make me say: Never again!

I will let this heart love again.

I would let this heart love another .

I will let this heart love like it does: Wholly, completely, selflessly, like a child.. with complete trust. I would not say ” never again”

You stole some parts of my past. I cannot let you steal my future, I cannot let you into my tomorrow.

I’m sorry, I love you, loved you but in my past you will remain.

I cannot say I’m there yet but i am trying , Will keep trying

Time they say heals all and in all my years in this life, I have yet to see time fail me

Life Lessons

Recently I have come to realize that I have lived a sheltered life of some sort

I don’t consider myself an ” Ajebutter” ( Not that anyone ever believed that i am not) but i would say for the better part of my life before now I have been lucky with the people around me.

So at this point I am actually getting major shockers from what people can actually do to their fellow human being, that people can deliberately set out to hurt you and for no good reason too.

How some people can be mean for no reason be envious, jealous just to name a few

It is just so sad because I have always believed there is good in every person and always try to make excuses for people’s bad behavior and people have often warned me. ” Girl, don’t be so naive, this person is bad”

The bitter truth is some people just do not have a conscience. That thing has just died inside of them.

People can be selfish, sneaky, bitter and just plain evil. its shocking and for the past one year I have just been getting shocks up on shocks.

Like not everyone is happy to see you progress, some people want to dim your light. Some of your ” Friends” are really not happy you are shining .

Abuse doesn’t just happen in intimate relationships: That is topic for another day.

But today i prayed for grace to keep m mind pure, Grace to be kind and true, grace to be compassionate because damn its hard to keep your mind pure when you have just been dished a dose of evil. The temptation to repay evil with evil is strong.

Honestly I don’t want to loose the  core of what I am made of  to my recent experiences.

I just want to glide through this unscathed,unburnt and be the same me.

My greatest fear is turning out to be the Monster that haunts me

 

 

 

 

Been a Minute!

Hey Diary,

Been a minute! Don’t mind me. I have missed you but I have learnt not to put pen to paper until that inner push comes. The writing always comes out better when its not forced.

Nine out of ten reviews i have gotten from my writing is : “It’s honest, sincere and innocent”  and I am not about to change that just yet.

I have written a million things in my head though . ..Everyday I do.

Its strange because i cannot seem to access the poet. Last year I took a few major life decisions. I changed jobs and  I got married!

Its been a whole lot of new experiences for me. A lot of firsts I’ve had to deal with and also a lot of self discovery and self questioning especially at my new work place. I’ve had to cope with a difficult boss and learn and unlearn somethings which I will share soon.

I have also hesitated about sharing so many things too because i have to think of someone else in my life now whose feelings i’d have to consider but then again this has always been my comfort place so I will be back. Soon.

Someone just took a peek at  my computer!!!

Gotta go!

 

My Dreams

Last night I dreamt about someone I haven’t spoken to in a long while.

This morning. She texts me. And it just hit me, like it does every time this happens. I just dreamt of her last night.

This has happened countless of times over the years.

I don’t know what to call it.

I will probably check it out on google.

I am convinced it is not coincidence because they are usually people i rarely speak to or think of. then they just happen to call me or i see them right after i dream of them.

Hmmm…… Kinda scary though.

Maybe I should learn to  trust my instincts more

 

It’s me again

Lord i ask you again to help me put you first before anyone else in my life. You have blessed me beyond my imaginations with so many things i have asked of you for so long now and at a time when i feel least closest to you. At a time when i feel disconnected from you at a time i feel least worthy of your love . The blessings make me afraid but i remember that your love is not conditional that your love is redeeming that your love is beyond what we can see or understand. I do not take it for granted Lord
I bless your holy name for opening ypur showers of blessings upon my life. For the single graces you grant every minute . For every breathe that i take i give you praise.

My prayer is that i walk in your light always . That i will serve you with my life, praise you with my life. Let me show people your love with my life

Everything that I want

silImage credit: http://www.pinterest.com

Everything that I want

That’s what you are

I would love you like you’ve never been loved before if you let me

I would be your woman, your every thing

The one you talk to last thing at night and first thing in the morning

I would let you hang with your friends and play your PS4

I would watch football because of you

I love your eyes

Your grey beard and the way that you walk

I like that you are gentle, kind and considerate

I like that you are a gentleman to the core

And not ashamed to be so

I like that you love honesty just like I do

I love that you read even more than I do

I love that you like your solitude and quiet sometimes

I love the way you kiss me

I love the way that you hugged me yesterday and didn’t want to let go.

You are

Everything that I want .

That Night

The writer died with you, that night the storm brewed so hard in your face, it slammed me straight to the ground.

The writer died with you, that night you slapped me in the face when you said this love thing isn’t meant for you.

The writer died with you that night you let the darkness eat you up and you turned your back on me and left me out in the cold, banging and begging to let me back in.

The writer died with you when you threw my love back in my face and turned to the dead woman and grieved for her.

The lover in me died that night when you pried my hands away from yours and placed it in another man’s.

The lover died that night I gave you my heart, ripe, full and heavy with love and you drained it all into a basket and gave me back the shriveled remains.

The writer, the lover and  the muse died that dark and stormy night…

With you

 

Out Again

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photo credit:Pixabay.com

Okay, so I have been beating myself up about how much of a fool I was. Thinking how could I have fallen for all the things that you did and said.

In my opinion, I have been expending too much energy hating you and dragging up every not so good memory of the brief time I had with you.

Here I am today, sitting in a strange town, miles away from home and I run into your AVI on twitter. Yea I know what you are thinking, there is no running into anyone’s AVI

Okay so I deliberately clicked on and enlarged your picture, staring at that smile. And then I ask myself, why  I am expending so much energy on hating you and trying to paint you black in my mind. (I actually know why, mind you)Might just be easier to relax and allow myself the luxury of missing you. Yea almighty, proud, stubborn me is admitting this even to myself.

As much as you were an ass in the end, I miss you.

I miss you now

I tell myself, Girl! Cut yourself some slack, you are human after all.

All that talk of ice in your heart is a farce. Let it up, let it out now. It’s okay to sometimes miss him.

After all you fell in love with him, after all he connected with your “sapio”. After all you thought you had met that person that finally gets you.

It all felt like a fairytale with just enough reality to make it okay. Just enough imperfection to make you relax on those flurry feelings. Just enough drama to want to fight for it. just enough sympathy to make you want to sacrifice for it.

It is okay to miss him because after all you were able to let down your guard for once and be you.

Girl it’s okay to miss the man that created those butterflies in your stomach.

Miss him Girl, Miss him.

This holding back has taken too much away from you already. It has left you empty, hard and void of emotions.

It’s time to let the incurable romantic out again.

 

 

Too tired to give a title

I simply cannot write

Been writing snippets and tossing them aside right in the middle of it for a while now

I have a lot of ideas to write about in my head

But there simply is no fire

And when I can’t feel that fire anything I write simply won’t cut it

I am not sure why this is happening

The only thing I know is

That incurable romantic seems to be dying

I am just listless

I cannot feel anything anymore

Maybe it’s still all in there

Waiting to pop out one day

But right now it’s all quiet in there

It’s all empty

All those things that seem to matter to me don’t mean nothing now

I am simply indifferent

It just feels like nothing can shock me anymore

Maybe one day soon something will ignite that fire again

Make me what to write again

Maybe tomorrow I will visit those drafts and find them worthy enough to share

But today I am just indifferent really

I simply do not care

 

 

 

Frog

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 Photo credit: http://www.trybooking.com

 

I have kissed a lot of frogs

Always left a trail of slime behind.

Green patches everywhere….

Each time I washed the slime and let it pass.

 

I have kissed too many frogs

Left enough space for them to hop around and play

With a long rope that stretched for miles and miles.

 

I have kissed one too many frogs

Smiled while they croaked, did that famous call and the girls came trooping in

Never ran out of lime to clear the slime

Let the bulging eyes rove around

Sat pretty while they spun their lies and lice.

 

I have kissed one too many frogs

but none as ugly as you…. yes YOU