Wet

I am in foreign turf, soaked right down to my underwear. The rain in this part of the country is something else. It comes long and hard. 

I’m sitting in a classroom again after so long, broken chairs , broken doors , half broken windows . I got drenched 3 hours ago and 80% of me is still wet.i guess my inner heat is not hot enough.  I can only hope I don’t catch a cold. My fabric made shoes are wet. I think they will be that way for a while too. Pulled my feet out of them an hour ago but  I can feel sand in my feet from the mud i stepped on in the rain. 

My phone’s battery has been out the last 24 hours . Can’t reach no one. No one can reach me but that’s the least of my problems.

All I want to do right now is peel these wet clothes off me, take a loooong hot shower, curl up in bed with a hot cup of cocoa and YOU.

I stare at the small puddle of water at my feet and I shiver. In front of me is 15 or so eager students vigorously scribbling not wanting to miss a word  the lecturer is saying. He is dictating from his notes, probably prepared sometime in the ’90s.

I snicker and the whole class turns to stare at me. I  stare back. They continue  after staring for 30 seconds or so then I look down again. 

The puddle has grown 

This is my reality.

Four more hours to go in these wet clothes, an additional two before a hot shower and a cup of cocoa, and God knows when until YOU. 

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Pain

Pain is the deep ache in the center of my left palm, sometimes it’s both.

Pain is the heavy stone in my heart that bears me down

Pain is that lump in my throat I try to force down

Pain is that ache in my heart that feels raw

Pain is all those tears that soak my pillow at night

Pain is that feeling of hopelessness and helplessness

Pain is insomnia (I can sleep through anything)

Pain is me smiling at a joke (I usually laugh). I like laughing 

Pain is tears spilling out in the most awkward of places and instances

The one that worries me more is the pain  right in the middle of my palm. 

It kind of feels weird that I should feel physical pain when my heart is hurting.

Does it happen to you too?

I think I’m going to google this one .

IN

When you go into that dark place that makes you sad, that makes you mad, my world gets a little dark . A shadow lies heavily on me and I cannot shake it off until you come out.

Everybody sees that . It shows from the way I talk. The things I do.

When you go to that dark place  that  makes you sad, I want to be the ray of light that draws you out.

I want to be the one that makes all the pain go away.

I want to be the one that will make you want to smile again

I want to be able to make you want to stay happy, see your world as colorful 

If you wouldn’t let me, if you can shut the door in my face, then maybe I’m not the one for you

If you wouldn’t let me, maybe I’m not the great love of your life

Maybe I should let you find her, because you need her .

Because you need the sunshine on your dark days .

But then  again,  maybe not? 

I’m selfish that way.