Sustainability Plan

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Photo Credit: juneletters.com

 

Sustainability plan ! Hmm.
Never taught I would write that in my blog, but as I sit here listening to this presentation on sustainability and transition plan when the donors move out, when the country has to take over, I ponder and I realize I can relate.

Love needs a sustainability plan.

Love is like a plant and it needs to feed to survive. It cannot be sustained without food.

What happens when there is only one source of food? When that source is cut off what does it survive on?
It is long distance and you make all the efforts . You do all the calling. You initiate all the texting. And the other party? Seems to be fine either way:If you are there that is fine , if not then that’s okay too.

It is totally discouraging and like I like to say “love is not enough“. Worse still, one sided love is not enough.

Love is meant to be reciprocal. It’s meant to be two sided to work.

If it is one sided.? It will happen but I can bet my life it will not survive through time .
It will die.
No matter how long that one side tries to hold on to it, the bitter truth is that it is not sustainable.
It will surely die.
Those people that said “together we stand, divided we fall”, did not lie . All those stories about a single broom stick and the whole bunch , about where two or three are gathered were not just mere stringing of words together or for want of fancy words.

That is why a boat moves faster with two people rowing at different ends of the boat.

The fact that the other party is making an effort is motivation enough to continue to make yours. That is the drive that keeps you going especially when the going gets bad.

It’s the life boat you hold on to when the ship is sinking.

It’s the tube of oxygen when there is no air,

To sustain long distance , you need a sustainability plan. You need a life line.

You need a willing partner.

A dedicated one.

Let Me

Baby let me love you
Fill up that hole inside of you

With buckets of love. 

I’ll be there for you 

Through the good and the bad 

Through stormy weathers

Through sunshine and rain

I’ll rub your back like I know you like

Let my lashes caress your cheek every night

Like it did last night

Last Night

Last night I dreamt of you.

It’s one of those dreams that are so vivid, so real  I know the feelings from that dream  will remain etched in my memory a long time.

In that dream, I saw you, I felt you, I smelt you. You were real and you were you: untrusting, faraway, wary.

I’m trying to catch a picture or should I say a scene from that dream right now but for some reason, it eludes me.

I know it’s there, buried deep somewhere. it will resurface when I am not expecting it to, snippets popping up in my mind at odd times.

These feelings are here though, deep inside of me. it feels like I just saw you.

I am going through the motions of the day  and every once in a while my heart misses a beat and then I stop to wonder why and then it comes in flashes before the eyes of my heart.I remember you and my heart twists and then my eyes water.

Some days I think I am better then I scroll through the pictures on my phone and I see you, I see us, I see the smile on my face and then I remember the way I felt that day

Like I could take on the world, that as long as I was with you everything was alright with the world, with me, with you, with us.

Like I would stand by you through thick and thin and as long as you would let me.

Last night I dreamt of you, this morning I listen to Beyoncé’s ” Dreaming” and like she would say “I feel like I’m alive”.

 

dreaming

Photo credit: robertlfoster.com

 

I thought 

I thought I was okay until I heard him say your name

I thought I was doing just fine until I heard your voice on the other end
I thought I had this all wrapped up and tucked away
Nice and tidy
Then he had to mention you, ruffling the seemingly perfect surface I painted.
Suppressed emotions spilled out, like a dam
Gushing out with a force that threw me off balance
All because I thought……
I thought I was stronger until I caught a glimpse of your shirt peeking out of my closet and I felt something squeeze my insides.
All the prep talking
All the tough girl facade.
All those things don’t matter now.
I feel lost without you….

FIRE

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I knew you were trouble when I first set eyes on you
I knew I was playing with fire the first time I felt the butterflies flutter
Call it gut feeling,
Whatever,
I just knew.
But I choose to ignore the warning bells ringing in my head
I followed the flurry feeling in my chest.
Well I guess I didn’t have a choice in the matter.
The glow from the fire caught my eye and that cautious side of me said: STAY AWAY!!
But the incurable romantic in me just wouldn’t listen
I was drawn
Like moth to flame
Happily I danced round the fire
The warm glow melted my frozen heart and unleashed the core of me
Then I touched the fire……

The fire was home,
The fire was sweet
The fire was my sounding board and my solace
Dance I did
All around the fire for days and for nights
Until I got burnt.
Then my heart stopped.

thumb2-heart-fire-silhouette-fiery

Someone once told me “burning is not the only thing fire does
Yea right!
I know that now,
I saw it, I felt it, I lived it
Fire does a whole lot of good stuff but guess what?

IT BURNS!!!

It will burn you so bad you can’t sleep
Hurt you so bad you can’t breathe
Cook you, roast you, steam you and grill you till you don’t know who you are anymore
When you look in the mirror you see a stranger,
When you talk you hear a stranger’s voice
The heat from the fire will bring out all the water inside of you
We call them TEARS.

Yesterday

Yesterday I saw a picture of a letter on instagram and I looked away. 

I couldn’t bear to look.

Yesterday I was going to read a love story I had been saving for weeks but I couldn’t 

I was saving it for yesterday when I could settle down and read it with a bowl of pop corn and a cup of banana smoothie.

I barely got past the first paragraph

I want to hate love .

I want to say “never again”

I want to close this side of me

I want to lay the poet to rest

But I know I probably can’t.

Or maybe I can? 

Something tells me it’s the heart of me

Something tells me I cannot deny the incurable romantic inside

She’ll just pop up when I least expect it

Whatever that something inside of me thinks, doesn’t matter now

The fact is: there is a hole in my heart right now

I cannot bear to read a love  story.

 I cannot bear to look at or read a letter 

Any letter

I don’t even feel like writing anymore 

There is a constant pain in the middle of my palm

The tears  spill in public places when I don’t want them to.

It feels like I’ve been falling from a height since last teusday.

I still haven’t  hit rock bottom

But hey ,

One day, yesterday will be last year 

Foolish 

The stirrings in the pit of my stomach

That warm feeling I get when I hear you laugh

You know that laugh you do when I say something that makes your heart sing?

This feeling I get like I want to coat you, smear you all over me.

Like I want to roll myself into you like egg in egg roll.

The way your voice lowers a little when I call you “baby”.

The way my heart feels when I hear you say “I miss you” . Like its being pulled out of it’s cavity.

The way I blush and smile when I know someone at your end is listening to us say sweet nothings.

All those things, coupled with the way I hold my pillow tight when I talk to you makes me say to myself 

Foolish girl! You are in love!

It’s a good feeling and I like it

Still the air I breathe

A beep and then I rush to my device
Eager, Ready to read another
Then there she is
The one that’s your other
What did I expect?
She is still there.
They are still there.
Forever will be. Maybe.
But do I care?
Only my heart can tell.
When there is a clang where my beat should beStill
When I see her there again
Where my name should be
When I see them there again, where my name should be
Is this how my life will be?
Forever fighting them for you
Forever fighting her for you
Will I ever see my face in your heart?
Hear you say my name in your sleep?
Maybe, maybe not
Until then, You still are, the air that I breathe.

Fix me, Fix you

I used to sit behind those walls that I built all by myself.
It got lonely sometimes but I didn’t mind.
I was okay.
I was content.
The best part of it for me was that it was SAFE.
I always thought that when my prince came along, he would be wielding a sledge hammer just like Thor’s and sporting a six pack.
Or maybe a Chipping hammer, I think that would be ideal for the situation, we don’t want a sledge hammer smashing the wall and startling the girl inside, now, do we?
A soft, slow but steady chipping will do.
Anyway, He is strolling down, probably whistling my favorite song, his tool slung effortlessly over his shoulders, ready to chip away at my wall.
The wall is strong, it’s sturdy, and so the work will take a while but he comes prepared, complete with his outdoor gear and basic supplies.
More often than not, I’d imagine him on the other side of the wall, cajoling me to come out, then eventually get to work chipping away at the wall, little by little until the wall came down.
Like a pack of cards.
But news flash!!!
That fantasy did not play out in this case.
When I spotted you coming from afar, you weren’t wielding no tool, you weren’t whistling either.
The only thing you were wielding was a paint brush and a smile that made something inside of me flutter.
When you rounded the corner past Zone “friends”, I set about building a ladder.
I didn’t even realize what the ladder was for until I was done.
And like Rapunzel would let down her hair for the prince, I let down the ladder through a window I didn’t know was there until that moment.
Your steps up the ladder were swift; In a Cupid second you were at the top and in a lot less than that time you swung into my world, easel first, smile next and then YOU.
I didn’t stop and think for a minute before I let you in.
You saw the huge mess behind the walls and set about fixing me.
A whole lot of work it was but you didn’t complain.
You just wanted to fix me.
Like Cold play…
So I let you set up your easel, canvas brushes, palettes and all that art stuff I know nothing about.
And then you painted a whole new me.
It was beautiful…. complete with your smile that makes my sun shine a little brighter.
In case you want to know.. NO, I don’t miss the walls.
You aren’t exactly all tidy yourself. I know you’ve got a wall too. I can see the telltale signs,
Hell! I invented walls.
But,then…
Would you let me in?
Would you let me fix you?

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